Before I got pregnant & even while I was pregnant I always thought of myself as a mom who was going to enjoy working. I was going to be that quintessential working momma & be proud of that. Even during the beginning of my mat. leave I was all ready to head back to work & gain that part of my "self" back.
When the time finally came to return to work, I was sad & cried that first day as I am sure most mommies do, but I never expected to be as emotional as I was. That first day back was ROUGH to say the least. I thought to myself at the time "this day will be the hardest" and "it will get easier with each passing day." I have now officially been back at work for 1 month & can say that most days I feel exactly the same as that very first day. I hate going to work & leaving my baby. Even though I know he is in GREAT hands most of the time & even though I know he is with family who love him & who will care for him nearly as well as his Momma (MIL is the exception, not the rule). I still hate it! I dread being at work ALL. DAY. LONG. I rush home after work every night secretly hoping that he won't be asleep just so I can spend some time cuddling him.
Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful that I only work 3 days a week (32 hours). If I had to work 5 days a week I don't know if I would be able to handle it & I have no idea how other mommies do it. I know I am extremely lucky to have 4 days off a week to spend at home with baby. Is is selfish that I want more? That I want to stay home & spend every day with my baby? I never thought I would EVER want to be a stay at home mom. I thought I would go crazy if I didn't work, but now it's my deepest heart's desire. If I could stay home & be a SAHM I totally would. I would give up my career in a second. This that I worked so hard to obtain. And you know what? I wouldn't bat an eye. I would leave & wouldn't look back...
Unfortunately, it would mean a major change to our lifestyle & it's just not something we can afford at the moment. ::Sigh:: Especially being that we have free childcare there is no way I can justify it at the moment.
It is my dream that some day I will be able to stay home though. Some day we will make it happen. I really am going to make it my goal to be able to afford this.
Time to start playing the lottery? =)
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